a day in the life

since ive been such a phenomenally shitty blogger lately, it's a two for one bitches!!! today is two post day because I love all you sorry hoes!!! bahahaha

as much as I envy individuals without emotional hangups etc, i love my daughters and they ARE my emotional hangup. They create the most love, purpose, tension, heartache, frustration etc in my life. Sometimes I assume I have at least four seperate personalities fighting for supremacy in my fucked up head.

here. is a day in the life. actually its a real day that happened last week.

500-I wake up, I check my phone to see if I received any fun/interesting text and/or facebook posts. I curse my life because I have such a fucked up sleep schedule and I hate myself and third shift for doing this to me on my day off. I attempt to punch myself in the face but it doesnt work because I'm a coward and I dislike pain.

530- I roll my sorry ass out of bed. I walk into the kitchen and immediately begin making a cup of hot tea and wrestle my nook from it's charger. fuck that charger. I look at the beer in the fridge. I pull it out. I look at my two dogs and cat. They are staring at me. Judging me. I put the beer back. I take my tea, my nook, and my cigarettes and go outside for blessed peace and to let my dogs take a shit.

535- I hear a knock on the back door. It is my child. She assumes it's ok to get up because I am up. She is wrong. I need at least one hour of peace before I face this day. I  make angry faces at her and point in the direction of her bedroom. Which is hard. Because I'm outside. She makes an angry face back at me. Then she licks the glass window on the back door. This is unacceptable. I go indoors and tell her to sleep until her daddy gets up.

615- My child is staring at me again. I accept that I will lose this battle. I go indoors and turn on cartoons and give her a poptart. Dammit.

645- My second three year old wakes up. MAY THE BATTLE BEGIN!!!!!

800- Somehow, Ive managed to convince my kids to eat yogurt, poptarts and little debbie cakes for breakfast. It works but what they really want is eggs, which I dont have in my house at this time. Note to self- by two dozen eggs next time.

1000- Up until this point, my daughters have fought. Not terribly. But small skirmishes. And then the shot heard round the world. Bear takes Bug's toy. I see the "awwww fuck no" look in Bug's eyes. She wants to throw down. I see this for what it is. A declaration of war.

*fight*

1100- Both Bug and Bear are in time out. They keep snarling things like "Im gonna beat you", and "Im gonna kick you in the head". Its mildly humorous. I laugh. Then I go outside for a cigarette. I come back in and open the fridge, I stare at the beer. I look at my kids in time out. Bug has a slightly bloody nose and Bear has a bloody eyebrow. Blood inflicted by three year olds. They judge me anyway. I reach for a Sundrop. Fuck tea at this point. I need the big guns. I begin the preschool registration paperwork.

1300- Bug and Bear eat PB&J's while I finish off a healthy choice microwave meal. What I really want is a PB&J. I eat one. Ahh. That's better. Bug and Bear immediately begin throwing cheez its which the two dogs and cat begin fighting over. Dammit. All animals go outside. Kids are placed on the couch. Bear finds a pen. She begins writing on mommy's new revised budget for household finances. Then the kitchen floor. Bear goes into time out. Bug begins taunting her. Bug goes in time out as well.

1400- Mommy, Bug and Bear go outside. This is very nice. They catch bugs and mommy reads her book.

1500- Nap time. Which is a war. Bear and Bug immediately begin accusing me of not loving them. I carefully explain that I need this time while they sleep so I dont kill them (just kidding, maybe) I read a book. They sleep. Life is good. I finish preschool paperwork and think about how nice preschool will be three days a week.

1630- I hear screaming from my daughters' room. I walk to the door and listen. Bug is accusing Bear of stealing her pony while she was sleeping. I hear a grunt, I open the door. I find Bear with Bug in a head lock. Again. I find this humorous. Sometimes I think I lose my mind a little. Fortunately Bug is not blue and I seperate the screaming children. I think, again, how nice preschool will be in august. Blessed Mary, mother of Jesus.

2 fights, 3 snacks and 4 timouts later.

1800- HURRAY!! Daddy is home. We are an evenly matched team now, WE WILL WIN. I open the beer. I drink it. I dont care who judges me. My husband laughs. I laugh. Then we begin terrorizing my children in an effort to get them back for terrorizing me all day. PUNISHMENT!!! BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA

2000-Mommy is passed out on the couch. She is impossible to wake up and she loves this. Daddy puts the girls to bed. They get angry and accuse him of not loving them. He laughs. He is invincible to their taunts. They get louder and wake mommy up, against all odds. Mommy becomes the incredible hulk. Both children are silent after seven minutes of the incredible hulk.

2100-Mommy and Daddy watch fun reality shows and adult shows, shows that dont include colors, numbers or other educational tools because that shit is played out and we wanna see a bunch of forty something women, living in new york, with jailbird husbands, BATTLE. Because its fun.

2200- Mommy and Daddy hit the sack. Only to wake up in the morning and do the whole damn thing again.

the.end.