the three phases of profanity

Profanity.

I love it. Allow me to elaborate.

Nothing takes the sting out of a stubbed toe like a nice healthy "FUCK!!!"

Nothing can express the words coming out of most individual's mouths like "BULLSHIT"

In short, absolutely no other words, "replacement" curse words, etc can express my melodramatic, and sometimes ridiculous feelings and thoughts.

I just love it. My first love. I remember clearly being reprimanded throughout grade school for tutoring my fellow students in the complexity of proper expletives.

Unfortunately. Throughout my journey in motherhood (the good, the bad, and the ugly). I have had to curb my profane enthusiasm. Oy. Doubly unfortunately, I was not always successful. So unsuccesful was I, that my children know how to identify multiple curse words. My husband and I are forced to leave the room, it is hilarious and wrong, but occasionally, we find ourselves laying in bed after a long day, belly laughing at the odd phrases leaving our tiny beautiful baby girls' mouths.

In honor of all the dirty mouthed mommies out there. I will outline the three phases of profanity as follows:

1. Too Young To Care- this stage of life is a delicate balance between good and evil. Experts believe a child can hear and udnerstand before leaving the womb, so it's safe to say my children have been screaming "DAMMIT!! Get your elbow out of my ear!!!" since before their little lungs took first air. Cute. At this time between 4 weeks pregnant and about 1 year, many mommies (myself included) believe they are safe from the backlash of sitting in church and a child screaming "Mommy, this SHIT is BORING"....point proven. You are never safe. Never. However since many children can barely say bottle appropriately, and it leaves their tiny vocal cords as a fucked up assortment of vowels. You can become comfortable.

2. Repeat Repeat and Repeat Again!! Until You Get It Just Right!!! - While patiently waiting in the grocery store line, my daughter looked calmly at me from her spot in the "buggy" as we southerners prefer to refer the shopping cart, and says "Mommy, remember when Gunnerdog played in the trash and you got angry?" At this point the cashier thinks my daughter is cute, we can refer to baby A as Bug. Baby B then speaks up, we will refer to her as Bear, and states "Oh oh oh oh!! I do! I do!!" In the annoying manner that children sometimes speak (you can agree with me, kids are annoying as fuck, dont be ashamed) Baby B then continues "Mommy said 'Dammit!! You hairy mother puck!!'" At this point Im giving my child the Vulcan death stare and batting my eyes as though I have stabbed myself multiple times in the eyeball with a mascara wand. I'm telling her quietly and nicely "ENOUGH BEAR!! DO NOT REPEAT WHAT MOMMY SAID TO GUNNERDOG!!!!" In the undercover fashion that moms use when they really wanna throw their child across the grocery store (to comfortably land in the fresh, soft veggies of course). Bear then continues on (at this point, she knows I'm vulnerable, she also knows that I'm not gonna take her to the bathroom when I'm so close to the finish line of this cluster fuck grocery store run.  Kids are smart as fuck. Smarter then adults) anyway, Bear continues on, "Oh riiiiiight!! Mommy said mother FUUUUUUUUCK". Yes, this is the stage that will kill you all. Get excited for Sunday school, vacation bible school, and visiting the old folks home. That's when they whip this shit out.

3. MOMMY!! THAT'S A BAD BAD BAD WORD!!- My children are currently in this phase. I have successfully punished them into obedience but they refuse to let me off the hook. It's interesting and it makes my mother giggle like a sixteen year old flirting with the star quarterback. She thinks its funny, it makes me blush. To have your three year olds condemn you is interesting, and surprisingly, has been the most successful form of punishment for me, I no longer curse loudly in front them, and most the time, not at all. I will reiterate my earlier point, kids are smart as fuck, waaaaayyyy smarter then adults. Sometimes I dont even have to say a bad word, the grocery store has become a guillotine of embarassment for me. For no reason they will scream "MOMMMY! THATS A BAD WORD!! WHY YOU SAY BAD WORDS MOMMY!!" I immediately begin looking over my shoulder for social services and vindictive old ladies.

And finally, a little plus for those who cant get enough. The phase I have experienced only once and expect to reappear in the teenage years.

4. Under the Breath, Shit Talking- This morning, Bear surprised me. I told her she absolutely couldnt have a lunchable for breakfast. She said nothing. She gave me the signature Bear and Bug look, which without words, can force grown men to their knees in tears. Fortunately, I am impervious. I taught them that fucking look. It does nothing to me. I proceeded to make Bear some cereal, a regular June Cleaver am I, and I hear whispered words to the tune of "Shit mommy lunchable dammit" I then asked Bear to repeat what she said, "Nothing" she said, with a SHIT EATING GRIN.


HOT DAMN!! Ive birthed two baby master minds.