the truth about pregnancy

this weekend while working, I came upon one of those people I really cant be around for long without opening my big mouth and offending them beyond reason. Fortunately, I didn't open my big mouth.

Pregnancy is an emotionally, physically, hormonally exhausting stage in a woman's life. You throw up repeatedly, battle nausea constantly, and begin retaining water. Not to mention, you get enormous. Like huge. No kidding.

So, while in nursing school, since I battled morning sickness for seven months. Seriously. Doctors lie. They LIE DAMMIT. First three months, my ASS!!! I apologize, tangent. I would sit in class with a trashcan nearby to avoid spewing vomit all over my neighboring classmates. Coincidentally, I also had about three or four class mates who were also expecting, (I lost count, all these bitches get knocked up in nursing school)

Anyway, so as I am vomiting up my spleen during a class break from lecture. One of these classmates corners me, explaining how she had NEVER felt better then when she was pregnant and what a BLESSING being pregnant is to her and how she would just be PREGNANT ALL THE TIME if she could!!!! 

Barf.


I responded, none too kindly, what pregnancy safe antidepressants were on the market for women that dont cause horrible birth defects in the unborn fetus. I then asked for her doctor's name and number so I could perhaps have these lovely pharmaceuticals prescribed to myself and maybe they would help with the one HUNDRED pounds I had gained, the GIANT bowling ball tumor that had grown in my uterus, the HUGE tree trunks that replaced my adorable ankles and my otherwise filthy ass attitude. 


fuck.off.


Please dont assume everyone has a lovely pregnancy. Some (as in myself) know that the tiny being inside their uterus is actually a little bitty parasite sucking the life out of their body for nine months. Causing them to vomit the first seven and then vomit the last month (simply because their  stomach is compressed into nothingness and they cant HOLD real people food.) Hopefully you like peanut butter off the spoon and whole milk. Welcome to the real world "mommy".


Every time I looked at my pregnant body, or threw up my saltine crackers (or wedding cake, as it was, that's another story, for another day), or envisioned labor pains, all I wanted to do was shake Eve until her teeth rattled for eating that forbidden fruit!!! DAMMIT!!!


And be thankful you were pregnant, or I might would've mistaken YOU for Eve!!! And really, lets be honest!! Dont hound a pregnant woman. She can thrill kill you in a minute and get by any jury. Really.