The psyche of Walmart and the punishments that await you.

Cracks me up, take a stroll in your neighborhood Walmart. You can probably pick out at least two or three couples who shouldnt be having children, yet they have a whole FLOCK of kids trailing them. An entire flock of miscreants who are breaking merchandise, wiping their snotty noses on anything within ten feet, fighting each other and generally being a pain in my ass.


As for me, my kids are contained. They are both loud and expressive, but that's cute on my kids. They wear that little aspect of themselves well. I dont generally bitch at them because if they piss me off, we go to the bathroom, where they get a stern "talking to" and maybe a whack or two.

Now, if your children are doing the following, they shouldnt be allowed in Walmart, and you shouldnt be allowed to reproduce.This is what I will do to you for the following actions.

1. Tearing merchandise off the shelves, breaking, rending anything unpurchaseable, the only thing that can make this worse is if I see YOU as the parent hiding the broken merchandise so you dont have to pay for it, trashy.I will follow you and speak in a loud, determined voice with the object you HID, and say "I THINK YOU DROPPED THIS!!! EXCUSE ME, YOU DROPPED THIS"

2. Touching my kids. Especially when you have snot running from your nose and into your mouth. I will break your face, you little shit. Also worse, if YOU as a parent touch my kids. I will take you out back and choke slam your nasty ass.

3. Having a bad-ass COACH purse and paying for food with EBT. Fuck you. Just. Fuck. You. Stop having kids, I'm paying for those fuckers. And I dont like your kids. So obviously, I'm not happy with my investment.

4. Refusing to take turns on the quarter car out front. Even when you dont have the change to actually ALLOW your child to sit on the car to RIDE it. I WILL patiently tap your shoulder til you get off your stupid ass cell phone and tell you to remove your child. Trust me, it's easier this way. You dont want me to remove your kid myself.

5. When your getting your nails done, in Walmart. And your child decides to follow me around. Probably touching or talking to my kids (refer to bullet 2), I WILL, I PROMISE, I will meet you with your child when you FINALLY find him/her and demand cash for babysitting. When you dont give it to me, I will report you to the nearest sales associate for neglect. :)

6. When your child is misbehaving in Walmart. Rather then do the classy thing and take them to the bathroom for discipline, you decide to have a WWE wrestling match in the middle of the electronic department. I will immediately pick up the phone that connects to the overhead PA system and announce the following "GET YOUR TICKETS NOW, WHITE TRASH THROWDOWN IN ELECTRONICS, IF YOU WANNA SEE SOME NASTY SPAWN AND NASTIER BABY-MAKERS, REPORT TO ELECTRONICS NOW!!!!"

This list is pending, more to come. Although I'll be avoiding Walmart for the reasons listed above. So dont count on it.